Easy peasy.

Things I said today:

-where are your underwear?

-don't eat that off the ground

-I don't care if the squirrel ate it his immune system is different

-the immune system helps the body stay healthy and strong 

-what's what? Oh that, probably poop from earlier

-josh, seriously. Just come home. I'm waving a white flag over here and covered in snot and poop and life can't even right now.

It's been a day (/week/month/neverendingcycle). There is loads on loads on loads of laundry. There are dishes from 2, maybe 3, days ago still in the sink. The house is covered in a layer of dog hair because shedding. And it's been too rainy or not muddy out to take the boys into our mud pit of a back yard. Couple all that with a nagging cough (me), a fussy teether (Hudson) and the general zest for life/sunshine rainbows resident threenager (Easton) and we are giving up today. 

My white flag is a diaper wipe. And it was probably used prior to me waving it. 

There will never be a solid answer of what's easier working or staying at home with kids. It doesn't matter what camp you are in, it doesn't matter what you are currently doing the grass will always be greener and easier on the other side. 

When I worked I felt overwhelmed and guilty all the time. I was paying someone else to raise our kid. I was missing all of the things I should be there for. I had to be up and ready to function at 6 every morning to get all of out the door on time to get to work by 9. And then I had to crawl through a day like I hadn't been up 8 times to nurse/soothe/retuck in/whateversneeded the night before. I managed through Easton's first year because my sister nannied for us. It was so much easier to know he was with someone who loved him as much as we did. Then she needed to find a real job, so we found a daycare and every morning I felt like I was going to puke. Every day drug on, every drop off included tears, every time I thought about him being there my heart hurt. Our provider was nice and came with lovely recommendations, but it just never felt right. When we got pregnant a second time, we figured we'd just add the new baby to daycare and continue on because the thought of staying home terrified me. 

And then baby came, and we tried it out, and I quit my job. 

There was no better solution. We didn't have a grandparent around who could watch the kids 5 days a week. We had daycare and it wasn't working. The thought of leaving my tiny precious baby with someone who couldn't hold him ALL day broke my heart. Because in my mind the thing that mattered most was that he was held, all day, while there. I thought about how often Easton was sick from the other kids. How they were all much older, how would he be able to handle that!? How would I!??

I couldn't. So I left a job I loved, I became a stay at home mom with two under two. I made lunch after lunch after lunch. I kissed booboos and wipes butts. I was up all night with one only to have to get out of bed at 7 with the other. I get no breaks from them or their needs. They are constantly searching for me, seeking out a snack or a pencil or a game or a toy stuck deep under the couch-even when their father is home, it's always mom first. They scream and fight. They bite each other and throw food on the floor. They don't always share and they skip naps. There are days when I don't sit down once in the 8-10 hours I'm home alone with them. I haven't gotten to the dishes today and it's after 3. I won't get to those 4 loads of laundry until tomorrow night. I need to vacuum for the 3rd time today because snacks and dog hair. I have anxiety over the pile of crap on our kitchen table. I don't know where I put the wipes and that's our last bit of them. I need a shower and a vodka. The baby doesn't feel good and neither do I, but I can't call in. And guess what, I spend most of my days feeling overwhelmed and guilty. 

It just sucks some days. It sucks most days.

 But it's not their fault, they don't know why I'm stressed or that the sound they make during whine for no reason hour is my own personal idea of H-E-DoubleHockeySticks. They don't know that I'm still stewing over something josh and I argued about. They don't know that I want to save more money but when I have wasted $30 in food trying to find something they will eat for lunch consistently that's not happening. They don't know why I snap left and right for them machine gun asking for things. 

But I do. I know that I am tired and sick and cranky. I know that kids are learning and watching and sponging, so I know when Easton sternly yells I need a two minute quiet time! that he learned that from one place and one place only. They have bad days, but they are few. Whereas I have bad days and they are every other day some weeks. 

The nice things about having a job was being out of the house, adult convo, making monies to help house, it was nice that even after the longest hardest day at work I closed that door behind me and went home. And was happy and the stress rarely followed me home. I had a great job with great people that was really fulfilling, so it was easy to get up and go there everyday. But I missed out on a lot. I didn't see Easton learn to walk or blow kisses for the first time. I didn't see him crawl first. I missed his first summer spent at the park and digging around outside. I missed the things that mattered but I did what I could with what I had. 

It was hard to decide to stay home. Financially it's a struggle, but we get by. Our kids have what they need AND what they want, we get a date night now and then and HOPEFULLY ALL THINGS CROSSED maybe a vacation getaway next year. We make it work. there have been fights and tears and wishing I could go back. I've had my days where I fully regret it. There are times when I just want to provide more. But I know here is where I belong. My kids thrive with a parent home. They always seek me out because I am the doer, the maker, the fixer, the mom. They need so much from me because I have proven that I will provide it. I never get a break and I don't say that frivolously-I live it. They need from me 24/7/365 and then some. But they need because I will. They thrive because I will. They are happy because I will, I can and I do. By every ounce that is in me, I do for my child. 

While there are a million other things I could think of, that I wish I could do in a day, the fact that I fill up my morning with dance party breakfasts and castle building and walks and adventures with two little boys is all the reason I need for making the choice we did for me to stay home (worlds longest sentence). I miss working and have been lucky enough to fill in and take side jobs and still enjoy the grind. But these boys. Well, they provide so much more than work ever could for me: their laughter, their tears, their every moment with me pays my soul, something my wallet never did.