The things you think..

The last three years have taught me a lot about what I thought I knew. I had certain ideas going into parenthood that I just knew would work out perfectly for us and our baby/babies. Oh of course it would be hard, I knew that. But it can't be that hard if I just stuck to my guns. I just knew it would work.

And then the baby came.

First, this one. 4.5 hours of pushing just to get him here, only for him to push me every day.

And out the window went those ideas. 

Never sleeping in our bed! HAHAHAHA, that is were you spent your first night on the outside. Nestled in my arms refusing to be anywhere else, not that I fought it. You would stay in our bed until you were nearly a year and a half old when you decided you did not sleep that well with us. 

Exclusively breastfeeding only! Wellllll, not so much. We tried. We gave it hell. We pumped, we fed on both sides, we consulted anddddd we supplemented. It just didn't work for us, no matter how hard we tried and how much we wanted. It just didn't work. 

Baby sign language! No Screen time! Stimulating environments! Organic, homemade baby food! Natural toys that only encourage creativity....! Sure a lot of this happened, but eventually it just didn't. 

But we made it. And Easton is a great kid. He is incredibly creative, has a great immune system, super active and well spoken. He made it... whew!

And then baby numero dos was on it's way. And back came the ideas. Lots of I will do better this time. I can do it! It will be WAY easier! 

And then the baby came.

Second. Fast and furious he came into the world, a gentle baby who found his voice and hasn't stopped using it.

Annnnnnddd, this baby was different. WAY different from his brother. Insatiable appetite, mama attached, sweet baby boy Hudson. He loved eating and being held, but wouldn't co-sleep. He fed every 2-3 hours for almost an hour each time, I couldn't keep up! He slept well and was always happy being held, snuggled, talked to. He was quiet and easy! He spit up more than Easton, but he was so easy compared to our little colicky needy first born. Around came round 2 of ideas.

He loved baby wearing, but much preferred baby holding. And just mama holding. He made it to 8 months breast fed, doesn't know a lick of sign language [not for not trying], He eats every thing but fruit, and he loves him some TV time. He learned to yell and n.e.v.e.r.stopped. 

But, we made it. And Hudson is a great kid. He is funny, always smiling and laughing. Loves running and playing with his brother. He is smart and silly. He made it.

There were so many things I wasn't going to do when I had kids, that I was so sure of when there were no kids. I wouldn't yell, I would teach them Spanish from day one, we would learn every day. I knew for sure things would go just as i planned. They wouldn't have any impact on our marriage and josh and I wouldn't have to work on us because of them. They would be perfectly behaved and always have manners, they would never hit or bite or scream. And neither would I, no yelling, time ins, and good kids.

And then they got here and got away with everything. They scream and bite and get time outs and toys taken away. They eat nugget shaped chicken, Easton has had sips of soda [Spicy! as he says & he much prefers water], there are days when they watch more than 20 minutes of tv. There are whole days where we don't go outside, or pick up toys, or eat veggies! Our marriage definitely suffered during those first years and we had to relearn how to be husband&wife as well as mom&dad! But we are making it. They are happy and healthy. They are smart and kind. They have manners and are well behaved. 

They are good kids.

And that was the hardest to learn. That even when my boys misbehave and act out, they are still good kids. Even when I am embarrassed and sure people are certain I should have NEVER had kids because look at them! They are still good kids. They have so much love to give and are loved by so many. They are special kids and I am lucky they are mine. 

Kids change things. They make life harder. They interrupt your perfect plans and disrupt your day. They create every feeling possible from anger to unconditional love. They come between marriages. They demand you are always mom or dad when you'd just like to be Lily or Josh's Wife sometimes. They make the simplest things complicated {can we eat here? Will they like anything on the menu? Can we just get them a huge order of fries?}. They change YOU. Completely. 

The person I was three years ago is not who I am today. I was selfish, needy, and self centered. I wasn't a great wife, sister or daughter. I thought only about what benefitted me. My concerns rarely reached beyond making me happy.

 Three years ago, I didn't understand parents. I certainly didn't get mine. Our relationships have been every where on the spectrum and I am/we are finally in a place where I get them. Even with a not typical childhood [is anything typical though, ours wasn't that out there but it still is different from some], I know now that they did all things out of love. They did all things for us. They did all things in our best interest. And while three years ago I couldn't get it; I most certainly do. Three years ago I could'nt say Thank you Mom & Dad, for always trying even when you had no clue what you were doing. For loving us when you didn't like us, for not giving up even when it seemed like you did. Thank you for loving us, you weren't as bad of parents as we told you you were. You taught us much and we are better people for all we have all been through. Love you!

Three years ago I didn't know what tired was, what sacrifice was, what earth shattering, car lifting, heart breaking, smile giving, kiss loving LOVE was. I didn't know what I was capable of. What I could be put through. What I could give in to. What I could give. I have learned that my true path begins with giving and loving and caring for my family. I relish the moments living in the magic they see in the world. I love my house being filled with the people I love, eating the food I've made, laughing with those that I love; it fills my heart and my world. I love this life I have because of them. 

They have changed me.