Was it horrible?
Was it awful?
Was it the worst ever?
No.
Did the kids cry and scream nonstop?
Did they get into things they shouldn't have?
Fight most of the day?
Refuse naps?
Spill waters?
Just be overall boogers?
Tap into their inner vikings and wage war on their mamas psyche?
Yes. Yes, YES.
Josh has been out of town for work since Sunday and I have thankfully had the haven of spending some time at my sister & brother-in-laws house to break up the day, But the usually fun times had there haven't happened thanks to the cranky monster children I've been toting along [worlds.longest.run.on...] Both the boys realized it was just me and proceeded to unleash some real amazing behavior, including biting, fighting, screaming, whining all day and general loveliness... We've been on walks and drives, built forts and bubble baths; all ending in tears from most parties. Couple all this with the fact that our basement keeps getting water in it and it smells so musty, plus my overall yuck mood lately and it has sucked..
BUT, It really hasn't been the worst ever, but sometimes certain things make it seem like that. Those certain things called feelings... Just when I start to think I'm falling back into a rhythm, something always happens to make me feel insignificant, or insecure or..another in-prefixed feeling word.
And I never see it coming. I will be trucking along doing my mom-wife thing and then BAM! I start getting really, really down. I feel like I'm sinking and like everyone around me just stops and watches it happen. Even though that isn't how it happens, no one else sees what's going on. Nothing changes outwardly [that I know of] I just feel down. Like I am doing everything wrong.
There are always a handful of breakdowns, a bucket of tears and a laundry list of complaints hurled at Josh via iComplain texts and verbal attacks once he hits our subdivision.
I end up spending two weeks wallowing and general boo-hooing. Feeling miserable about not being a better mom/wife/friend/sister, but still trying to do everything that I need to get done. I get mopey and cranky. I parent horribly and I wife even worse. My sleep schedule gets thrown off and junk food becomes my BFF and gettin some exersize/walking/moves, well just forget it. Which only makes it worse. These last few days have been incredibly trying, my body and mind ache. I'm quicker to give up and give in. I quit fighting it and just sink.
Usually, I recognize most of what is happening to me about a week in to my reign as Queen Negative Nancy. Josh and I argue more about nothing [seriously the worlds most trivial things: why don't you pull the car into the garage right?!?! You fold towels wrong!!], I yell more at the kids, I mope and lack at housework [which only gives me WORSE anxiety]. I turn inward and self pick. It's hard to see the forrest for the trees in these moments. And even though I know that it's happening, it doesn't make it any easier to figure out how to pull out of the funk. I see the things happening, the pieces falling into place, yet still remain down here.
It isn't always like this. There are far more times that life is great. We love, we laugh, we play, we enjoy. The boys wont always fight and will play nicely, quiet in their room playing pirates. Josh and I wont argue and will go back to loving each others quirks and celebrating our differences. Our basement wont always be wet and soon snow will disappear and grass will grow, sun will shine and we will run through the woods laughing. I know there will be days that are better, days without tears, days that end with a smile and a "we're so lucky" before bed. I know the boys aren't suffering and they don't hate me. I know Josh isn't always mad at me when he gets home. I know these are small drops in the bucket, that it isn't always easy and we will get through all of it. I know this is my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.
No comments:
Post a Comment