A Tuesday after Mother's Day.

All natural

Medicated

Cesarean 

VBAC

At the hospital

At home

In the car

Naturally conceived

Unplanned

In vitro

Surrogate

Adopted

Partner coached

Midwife

Doctor

It doesn't matter how you become one, it just matters that you did. Happy Mother's Day! You all are amazing. (Or rather happy belated because this is late because kids)

Motherhood will never be my second nature. I fumble through it and cringe most of the time. We never have, nor ever will, totally know what we are doing. Ever single time I think 'I've got this' my three year old pees his pants in public when he's been potty trained for nearly a year. Or my one year old tackles a crawling baby, bops it on the head then beelines to me like 'took that little sucker out, didyouseethat ma?' Yep, I saw it and now I'm red faced and cringing again. 

I was not that girl who played Barbie and house. I never was the mommy. Never has someone said "you're so nurturing" mostly because that seems weird! I much preferred climbing way up high in the tree tops, running through muddy fields, splashing in the creek and riding behind anything with a motor on some improvised cart or sled. So, maybe I was a bit of a tomboy (hasn't changed per say, but I do love me a heel/dress/made up/nails done combo...on a Tuesday. So paradox, much difference) I think a lot of that helped shape the kind of mom I am today. I know the joys of a tree swaying beneath you in the breeze and the thrill of a throttle. I am glad for the boys I have, all smelly two of them! 

Motherhood surprised the shhh out of me. I was the most unprepared. The most overwhelmed by the emotional aspect of it. I couldn't keep it together any more all because of this tiny squawking, frog legged baby. Growing up, I certainly never, ever ever saw myself with two children (or married but that's a different story). I don't think anyone really thought I would have kids, I never really even baby sat. Ever. I didn't learn to change a diaper until I was in my 20s. So motherhood freaked me out. And I freaked myself out by how much I loved it. And even after children I never imagined my desire to have more would be so great. 

Yep. 

I said it. 

I do sometimes want more kids. 

But I also sometimes want no more kids. 

Sometimes I want less kids than I have, for like two hours. Wouldn't that be nice, two hours of less kids. And silence. Pure quite to hear myself think. Or breath. Or pee alone. That's gotta be the life, those young couples and single folk out there peeing alone on the weekdays. Sleeping in on the weekends. Eating a hot meal every time! Whhhaaaa?!?

 

But I digress. 

I do actually like having kids. I like my boys, their quirks and dirt and all, hell I would gladly add another boy in the mix because I feel like I get boy-mothering: they hit, fake shoot things, run crazy, bring pockets full of dirt inside, always hands in pants, farts are funny, always eating, sorta smelly, jumping off things, living on the edge, all things trucks bikes motorcycles are good, but they love mama super lots. I accept that things will get broken, tears will fall, and a stern mama goes a long way! Not that it always happens, I'm a pretty huge pushover/constantly overwhelmed by my two kids soooo watch out world, parenting expert over hurrrrr.  But most days I think yeah, this is covered. (don't get me started on my irrational fear of girl-mothering, somehow I think all the few things that come naturally to me as a boy mother will fail me hugely as a girl mother). 

There is a big part of me that will always feel like a failure as a mother for one thing or another (not breastfeeding long enough. Processed food sometimes. Hudson's not saying words yet! Neither of my kids know a second language! Ughhhh). But today, or actually Sunday, I won't think twice or three times or 875 times about if I am doing a good job. I won't wonder if I did right by my children. Instead I will celebrate the fact that I was lucky enough to have them, that they have saved me more than once and that maybe, someday they will think they were lucky enough to have me.