Tuesday, March 3, 2015


I want to write about why I've been missing. 
I want to write about the changes I've had to go through. 
To write and be open, honest and let go. 
I want to say things I haven't been brave enough to talk about-even 6 months in. 

I want to start again, dust off and jump in two feet at a time. 

I want to stop being upset and crying, hurt and angry & feel a lightness and hope. 

But I'm not ready. For any of it.

For all of it. 

So until then: I am here, I am well, and I will get through this. 

Friday, July 25, 2014

Friday Fiver!

Linking up over hurrrr again

I might just make it work this time around. I might actually do a link up on the actual day!

Anywho. So, my sister is getting married this September. Less than 2 months away now. 
So for today's Friday Fiver I am picking out 5 wedding gifts that aren't always on registries. I personally like to get the newlyweds something from their registry and something fun that isn't included too. I think getting them something unique shows you put thought into it!

1. Monogramed Cutting Boards.
Every home needs a great cutting board. And on that can double as a serving board is even better! I love a good monogram and there is something sweet about seeing both names together on something as solid as wood!
Personalized Cutting Board, Custom Engraved - 12x15" or 12x18" - Wedding Gift, Anniversary Gift, Housewarming Gift

2. Picnic Basket sets.
I am pretty sure this idea for a wedding gift came from my sister in law Shannon, I can't remember if they received one or gave one as a gift for a wedding and it was brilliant! I love the idea of providing something that will lead to a great, romantic date!! Include a bottle of wine and the newlyweds are all set!

3. A Homemade Recipe Book. 
Get the family together, have them each record a special family recipe for the couple. Maybe its Grandmas Famous Sheet Cake or The Best Chili Ever, even if both partners are seasoned in the kitchen department, it's a great way to share family recipes! My sisters bridal shower was a recipe shower and it was awesome to read through and try some of the great recipes she received!
here, but the pin is broken :-/

4. A Honeymoon Treat!
If they've already booked their honeymoon, check in to extra activities and prepay for them to do something fun! This of course depends on the couple and what they like to do, but an ATV tour through the jungle or a Private Cabana for a day on the beach is a great treat! And after shelling out for a wedding and honeymoon, who wouldn't appreciate a special bonus for free!

Here, as in I wish I was..

5. An Anniversary Gift.
If you have a nice resort in your area, prepay for a room or dinner around their first anniversary. It makes celebrating even more special when you get to get away, even if it is in their hometown. It makes it possible for them to get the night away, but still be around if they have to stay in town for some reason. They get a great meal and room to celebrate their first year of marriage. We were given a dinner for our first anniversary and it was really touching, that someone thought of the year ahead!

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Oh Hey Friday: Saturday Edition

Linking up over here with one of my favs!

I had high hopes yesterday. I really thought I would manage to pull this off then, but heyyyy I didn't. 

Anyways, heres a Fiver for Saturday.

Five Random Lucky Moments

1. Lucky these brothers are the best. They love each others company, they stick together, and I hope are always the best of friends. Bonus Lucky: Grammie and Grandpa camping right down the road a bit. Just far enough to be an adventure on a day with Papa.

2. Lucky for getting to call this guy ours. Easton is funny, sweet, fun loving, and observant. He loves telling stories and watching the world, especially from high above it on the ferris wheel!

3. Lucky this guy is ours too. Hudson is a HAM! He loves laughing, running, climbing, jumping! He is a firecracker and has no fear. He goes all out, all the time! 

4. Lucky for living in a beautiful area. There are so many things to do around here, we can't help but try to squeeze it all in! We love all the hiking trails and beaches, but nothing beats a good group of friends, some cold beer, a hot day and a nice paddle down the river!
 5. Lucky to have this guy. He makes all the other things possible. Without him, I'm one boring, lonely lady ;) 

Monday, June 16, 2014

Katelyns Bridal Shower!

This last Saturday was my sister Katelyn's  bridal shower. She is such a wonderful person & we were so excited to help celebrate her and Travis! We were surrounded by friends, family and most importantly love! 

I really, REALLY lucked out with the group of ladies Katelyn picked to stand by her side as she says 'I do'! They were beyond helpful, easily relied on and fun!! We had such a blast planning the party & watching the details come together! 

Once we picked a date Katelyn had few requests, but mostly she didn't want to know anything about the shower. She left that allllllll up to us! We knew we didn't want to repeat her wedding colors, but we still wanted decor she would like. We tried to reflect both of their tastes (thankfully we did because this became more co-ed last minute, thanks to one too many delicious drinks around the fire Friday night!). We went with fun colors like pinks and teals, with white to keep it light and airy too. It was preppy and feminine, with a little rustic, country touches- just like Katelyn and Travis! The shower also had a very special theme, each guest was sent a recipe card and brought a recipe for Katelyn. Her future father in law is an amazing carpenter and builder, so he hand crafted this AMAZING recipe box for her! & went the extra mile and built Travis a wooden cooler holder as well! They are beautiful! We are ao lucky to have such talent in this family!

 I wish I would have taken photos during the games! Katelyn requested that the games not be typical games that people try to sit out of! So, we had two easy prize games: one was a jar of panties that people had to guess how many were in there! For the next, we handed out necklaces and guests could not say 'Katie, Travis or wedding' if they did other guests stole their necklaces, the one with the most necklaces won! We also played wedding charades! Katelyn acted out the words and the two teams shouted out guesses! It was so fun! Our last game did not go as smoothly, but we created a playlist of popular love songs and guests wrote down the name of the song, most correct guesses won! We also quizzed Katelyn and Travis about each other's families, for every wrong answer they had to put a piece of bubble gum in their mouth! That was funny!! Though Travis would argue not that fun! ;) 

Ok enough words, here's the pictures: 
Hand painted invitations and hand written cards that went inside the invites!

The aisle up to their house
We created an 'aisle' for guests to walk down
Homemade banners and babies breath on their fireplace
Don't worry, I cut that string before people arrived! 
Katelyn has a sweet tooth, only rivaled by her nephew Easton, so cotton candy was the perfect favor!
Prefood set up, hand made cards labeling each food. 
Panty guess game, an apron for guests to sign, punch, drinks and her handmade recipe box!
Unsigned and waiting for guests!
Beautifully crafted! Thank you Big Rob!
Katelyn looked beautiful, as usual!
Their gorgeous house was the perfect place for people to gather!
I don't care if she hates this picture, I think she looks great!
The bridesmaids-minus one who had a baby a week ago!! Katie G, me, Katelyn, Morgan, Heidi & Hailey. We missed you Rachel!
Bride to be and her sweet tooth twin!
The Princess Nika sums up how we felt at the end of the day: EXHAUSTED! 

Overall the whole thing was a hit! It was a lot of work, but well worth the look on their faces when they saw everything come together!  

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Kidfree Suspicious vs With Kid Suspicious (&unrelated pictures)

Wet sticky things. Pretty gross and suspicious. But when you have kids, not really that weird. Because guess what, it's probably what you think it is. And it probably was old applesauce or juice or the dreaded P to the OOP. 

Silence. Not suspicious when you are kidless. Quite enjoyable really. But once you have kids silence is not golden. It's usually covered in mud, creeping across your freshly mopped floor trying to drag the plants indoors. 

Thumps in the morning/day/afternoon/night. Usually pretty suspicious regardless. But it seems that with out kids there is always something going thump. Currently at 9:14 I'm listening to the 1 year old thump-thump-thumpity his foot against the wall while he lays in his crib. There is always someone jumping or running or falling in our house. Even at night. 

Screaming. Highly suspicious when you are kid free, generally not a good sign when a kid free home houses kids screams, no bueƱo. Even in our house where I try to enforce a 'please don't scream unless you are on fire/bleeding/not gonna make it' clause. There is still A LOT of screaming that happens in our house. Screaming because they are too close to each other. Screaming because they are hungry. Screaming because they want to scream. 

Losing your phone. Suspicious always, the difference is no kids: crapcrapcrap I hope I didn't leave it at the bar. Is it in my purse, shhttt it's on silent of course!! Where are you phone!!! With kids: it's in the toilet. Guaran-fridgen-teed. 

Monday, May 19, 2014

Getting through the tough times, takes a little reminding and a little vodka.

I have a lot of things I wish I could change but one of the things I wish most to change takes so much effort, time, and commitment to fix. So I don't always do it right, and I don't always recognize when I do need to change it and I forget how much it takes until I'm fully engulfed. I spend a lot of time allowing myself to get sucked down deep into a blah cycle of self loathing, frustration and sadness aka the ol' depression. It is something that is always with me, but there are times when it claws away at my being; reducing me to a shell of the person I ACTUALLY am. 

There was a time, many years ago, when I was much more void of emotion and feeling. I always felt they were signs of weakness, admitting struggle just showed that you can't handle life. I spent many, many years bottled up and terrified that I was the weakest, most unstable person in there world because hey, look at EVERYONE ELSE, they can get out of bed without a panic attack. They drive to work without puking from fear. They can talk to people and not burst into tears because everyone obvi hates you and doesn't want to hear what you say. Let's just say it was a fun lifestyle. Loads

I hid a lot of who I was then. Choosing to keep people at arms length and share only the tiniest glimpses into my life than let people in. My walls had been built, the foundation poured and cemented by years of self doubt and instability. There was no getting through them. When I think back to the people I knew then, even the guy I dated seriously at the time, I feel absolutely awful. No wonder things seemed so toxic, I was a ball of anger and frustration waiting for someone to light the fuse so I could go off! And boy did it get lit. Anger was the only emotion I had time for. I was angry at everyone. Angry at my friends, angry at my boyfriend, angry at my parents, my sister, the sun, the clouds, that guy on the bench over there... Or so I thought. I was angry. But I was also sad. And lonely. And afraid. There were layers to the anger I never once looked at in all those years. & now I look back and greatly regret it. Things could have been different and I wouldn't have lost those years with the people I love and care about because I was so bitter and angry. 

Eventually something changed. I met a really great person who ask what was actually SO bad in my life? Not the trivial shit either. Like actually bad-was I dying? Was I homeless? Did I go without food for days? Was I in constant fear of being raped? Beaten? Murdered? Would someone be able to do those things to me because as a woman, I drove a car? Or had a job? Or went to school? She encouraged me to look outside myself, beyond the anger and bitterness. They ask what really was the problem here, in my little insignificant life, full of privilege and hope-what really was the issue?


That's what it was. And not in the regular self loathing way either. More so in the I've gotten to the bottom of the barrel and there's a mirror and ohhhh crapppp. I held on to things that need not be held on to. I refused to forgive issues passed that needed forgiveness. I would not let people in because they will just leave or hurt me anyways, so why bother!? I was angry at myself for never being true to who I was this whole time. Underneath the anger and the stoicness, was hurt and fear and pain, bottles up from years of allowing others to dictate my happiness for me. 

In time, I learned people could not talk to me certain ways. I learned to stand up for myself and what I believe in. I learned people value your input, even in the times it differs from theirs, as long as it's true to you. I learned to embrace my quirks and use them to my advantage. I learned who I was and that being an ENFP, sanguine-choleric, words of affermation person, that there are not just weaknesses, there are also strengths to my personality. I figured them out and ran with it. I learned friendships are much stronger when they are two-way streets. That people value advice from someone who listens first and wholeheartedly. I learned it's ok for people to see you vulnerable, it strengthens your bond and your ability to trust them. The person I have become is a much truer version of the person I have always been-a slightly overly emotional wreck who cares very, very deeply about the people I meet. 

I still have my moments when I shut down and don't want to care (usually after mistrust). It is hard to remain positive when it hits the fan. But for the most part I have tried to remain true to the person I have grown in to. yes I cry more because I care more, I will always drop anything for the people in my life and do what I can to help them, I trust more and have greater friendships for that. I try to be an open book when appropriate, sharing stories and thoughts that may help people but also for the sake of sharing in others lives. I listen contently and have empathy. But mostly every day I try. 

Things gradually shift from the dark days to the light, when I remember to be thankful & happy with what I have, who I am, where I can go. And I realize in these days of lightening, that I am again excited for life. I am enthralled by my children, I look forward to my husband coming home-if for nothing more than to stare at his handsome face. I give more of myself to the people I love on these day and want nothing in return, but for them to know I love them. I try extra hard when I feel light coming through, because I am excited again for this life. 

I have learned that this depression does not define me, neither does my anxiety or OCD. It exists and I live with it. But it will not be my outline. It will not be what I am known for or what people notice first. I make a conscious effort each day to pull myself from it's grips. I know it is hard to do and that each if us down in these trenches have to navigate them our own ways. I feel for you in your struggles, I hope for you to find your safe place that will bring you out of dark days. For me I remind myself. I remember that I have food to eat, clean water, house to live in and am safe. That I am free to do as I please. That I have opportunity and knowledge. That  my kids are cared for. That my husband is cared for. That we have what we have and that's what we need. That life is good and better than we think, even at the lowest of my lows-life is good. 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

A Tuesday after Mother's Day.

All natural
At the hospital
At home
In the car
Naturally conceived
In vitro
Partner coached

It doesn't matter how you become one, it just matters that you did. Happy Mother's Day! You all are amazing. (Or rather happy belated because this is late because kids)

Motherhood will never be my second nature. I fumble through it and cringe most of the time. We never have, nor ever will, totally know what we are doing. Ever single time I think 'I've got this' my three year old pees his pants in public when he's been potty trained for nearly a year. Or my one year old tackles a crawling baby, bops it on the head then beelines to me like 'took that little sucker out, didyouseethat ma?' Yep, I saw it and now I'm red faced and cringing again. 

I was not that girl who played Barbie and house. I never was the mommy. Never has someone said "you're so nurturing" mostly because that seems weird! I much preferred climbing way up high in the tree tops, running through muddy fields, splashing in the creek and riding behind anything with a motor on some improvised cart or sled. So, maybe I was a bit of a tomboy (hasn't changed per say, but I do love me a heel/dress/made up/nails done combo...on a Tuesday. So paradox, much difference) I think a lot of that helped shape the kind of mom I am today. I know the joys of a tree swaying beneath you in the breeze and the thrill of a throttle. I am glad for the boys I have, all smelly two of them! 

Motherhood surprised the shhh out of me. I was the most unprepared. The most overwhelmed by the emotional aspect of it. I couldn't keep it together any more all because of this tiny squawking, frog legged baby. Growing up, I certainly never, ever ever saw myself with two children (or married but that's a different story). I don't think anyone really thought I would have kids, I never really even baby sat. Ever. I didn't learn to change a diaper until I was in my 20s. So motherhood freaked me out. And I freaked myself out by how much I loved it. And even after children I never imagined my desire to have more would be so great. 

I said it. 

I do sometimes want more kids. 

But I also sometimes want no more kids. 
Sometimes I want less kids than I have, for like two hours. Wouldn't that be nice, two hours of less kids. And silence. Pure quite to hear myself think. Or breath. Or pee alone. That's gotta be the life, those young couples and single folk out there peeing alone on the weekdays. Sleeping in on the weekends. Eating a hot meal every time! Whhhaaaa?!?

But I digress. 

I do actually like having kids. I like my boys, their quirks and dirt and all, hell I would gladly add another boy in the mix because I feel like I get boy-mothering: they hit, fake shoot things, run crazy, bring pockets full of dirt inside, always hands in pants, farts are funny, always eating, sorta smelly, jumping off things, living on the edge, all things trucks bikes motorcycles are good, but they love mama super lots. I accept that things will get broken, tears will fall, and a stern mama goes a long way! Not that it always happens, I'm a pretty huge pushover/constantly overwhelmed by my two kids soooo watch out world, parenting expert over hurrrrr.  But most days I think yeah, this is covered. (don't get me started on my irrational fear of girl-mothering, somehow I think all the few things that come naturally to me as a boy mother will fail me hugely as a girl mother). 

There is a big part of me that will always feel like a failure as a mother for one thing or another (not breastfeeding long enough. Processed food sometimes. Hudson's not saying words yet! Neither of my kids know a second language! Ughhhh). But today, or actually Sunday, I won't think twice or three times or 875 times about if I am doing a good job. I won't wonder if I did right by my children. Instead I will celebrate the fact that I was lucky enough to have them, that they have saved me more than once and that maybe, someday they will think they were lucky enough to have me.