Somedays it is just crapity crap crap

I've come to the conclusion that when you think you are finally getting the hang of life, something comes along and shits on your parade. I'd say rains on your parade, but lately life is all about the S-word.

Like the number of diapers filled with it that I have changed since waking up at 4 am this morning: 8 [wtheeeckkkk kid???? seriously...&thatbetterbeatootismell!]

Or the number of piles of it I cleaned off our deck from our sweet little niece puppy: at least 12

Or the cat box,
or the bottoms wiped,
and the less literal ones like the fact that i need my checks that I ordered 2 weeks ago and where are they??! or the what do I get the husband who is impossible to buy for????
Or when is the snow going to stop?
and can I take a damn vacation or not???!!??

or maybe this is what motherhood is all about..

the different types of crap you learn to deal with once you have kids. Like a jester keeping all the balls juggled in the air [im that tired, i had zero other metaphors], as a mom you learn to change one baby while the other one tries to use a curtain as a parachute. And keep the cat from running outside while untangling the dog for the fortieth time today.And making three different dinners for your picky-eater, your great eater, and your husband who gets home later than dinner time. Or forgetting how to sleep in. Or washing the same laundry/dishes/baby for the eightieth time because who knows how you got distracted but certainly it was warranted.

I constantly wish I was better at this whole thing. That I tried harder, that I took more time, that I put in more time. Most days I feel like a big failure because my three year old can't read or speak spanish fluently and our one year old was raised on formula because breastfeeding doesn't work for me no matter how many people try to make it so. I struggle with staying positive and happy alllllllll the live long day, just so when Josh gets home the first thing he hears is how awful my [ridiculously good and blessed] life is. Even on the days that its sunshine and rainbows, there's still a hearty helping of sheeeeeeettt somewhere scattered through the day. Even if it is trivial, it is still crap to me; my crap nonetheless.

But even with all this crap, the BS, the poopy diapers and the never ending list of things I didn't get done today, I still feel that my greatest calling in life is my children. 

here

Over the weekend we caught a story NBC was running during the olympics about Jessica Long and her journey back to Russia to meet the parents who gave her up for adoption when they were teens. They went on to get married and have other children meaning Jessica had a second full blood family. I can not imagine the pain her birth parents went through, giving her up and hoping for a better life for her, yet always wondering how she was. And then discovering she was an amazing athlete and getting a second chance! During the story, Jessica went back to the orphanage where she had been raised until getting adopted. Annnnnddd my heart was crushed. I cried like a hormonal mother, wishing we could offer each of those sweet babies our home. It has been weighing on my heart ever since and while adoption would never be out of the question for us, our family isn't in a situation to expand right now. But those babies, they have my heart. Every child that needs, has my heart...

So maybe motherhood isn't about all this crap that I see everyday. 

Maybe its about adjusting your filters, so even though all day its crap, it still is appealing.

It's about admitting that I have no clue what I am doing, that I am not the best mother, that I am trying but I give up somedays,

It is that even with all these things, all this sh*t, I am still more than willing to do it.

 All day. Every day..