Love, Support and Encouragement

I had a fun, Five on Friday post all ready to write up and then something happened....

I ran into a friend, no that isn't right...an acquaintance, hmmm not that either.... A friend of a friend of a friend, someone I know knows someone she vaguely knows, so to speak. We both have children around the same age and ended up chatting for a while. Things were going great and it was nice to talk about some of the trials of having crazy kids with someone else currently in the trenches. We talked about potty training, cutting teeth, and picky eaters.

Things were good. And then something changed. I don't know what triggered it, but we were talking about birth (I mentioned I had a friend who had just given birth that morning and I was itching to visit the sweet babe). She talked about her birth and I shared about mine. And then the face came. Like she smelled something vile. I quickly checked Hudsons bottom, thinking the silent but deadly had struck again but nada. I sniffed the air. Maybe the stink hadn't hit me yet. But nothing... So I did what I usually regret, I said something...

"What was that face for?"

She paused and then looked me right in the eye and said "I can't believe you didn't use a OB, you could have died. Midwives aren't trained well enough to know what to do in emergencies "

Say what?!?!?!?!

You have got to be kidding me! I laughed and proceeded to explain that we actually gave birth with our awesome, wonderful, fully trained and incredibly loving and smart midwife at the hospital and that she attended both boys births. I sung her praises and how comfortable we were with her and that we didn't feel any pressure in our choices; whether they were on trend with her beliefs or not. The look on her face didn't budge. Tha' stank stunk as far as she could smell.

"But what if something had happened? Could she have saved you, I doubt it? They are called Doctors for a reason and they have been delivering babies forever...."

At this point, I shut it off. There was no convincing her that midwives have been around just as long and longer, that the choices we made are just as great as the choices she's made for her kids... She yapped (because at this point we were no longer chatting, I was focusing more on not letting my jaw hit the floor at her 'facts') for about 30 more minutes negating nearly every.parenting.choice.I.have.ever.made!... How attachment parenting is ruining children, how breastfeeding isn't all that great, how crying it out is thee only way to sleep train, about how stay at home moms have nothing to complain about....on and on and on and on...

And I started to feel really insecure. Like maybe she was right and I was on the outside. And I felt more beat down about my kids, my choices, my complaining about staying at home [because somedays thats all I have. Me & Complaining=BFFs!]. All of it. I immediately felt awful.

We said our goodbyes and headed off for the rest of our errands. I had a good 20 minute drive home thinking about what that b...that gal, said. And I got mad. And sad. And all the other feels.

But mostly, I was upset that this is a raging trend among moms. Sticking our judgmental noses where they do not belong. I'm guilty of it, I did it earlier while talking to her thinking "you cry it out WTfffffff". But it isn't my place, if it works for them, then great! I know it happens and I don't think it is always bad or meant to be malicious. I know it can come from the heart and the best place, I know that there are people who say do this because it is better for the baby, blah blah blah. I know it happens.

But I wish it didn't. Because it hurts. No matter where it comes from. It hurts when people say you're doing it wrong. It hurts and it sucks and I don't like it. I don't like when others do it, and I really hate when I do it! I always regret it. I regret not saying hey they are trying or it isn't our business. Unless the child is being purposefully hurt, I don't know that it is our place.

Our place, as a community of mothers, should be to love, support, and encourage other mothers. Lift them up when they feel down or filled with self doubt. That should be what we do. Support others choices, even when they are opposite of our own. So many times I have felt like a failure as a mother because I haven't co-slept long enough, exclusively breastfed, or made every ounce of food my kids eat from scratch. I put my kids in time outs and time ins. I haven't taken care of myself the way I should. I limit their screen time, but I allow screen time in the first place. I give in to my three year olds picky pallet and our one year old snacks on organic pouches most of the time. I am not consistent and I complain a lot. I feel alone and trapped and all the bad things, way more than the good things. And I feel guilty that those things are all true because we should be able to do it all without complaint or breaking a sweat! I wish that were true and while I know there are people out there who can do so, or claim they can, I can't. So label me an outcast and toss judgment my way for saying so.

I am so in love with being a mother. I am in love with the process, the births, the little gifts each day bring with my boys. I would hate for a woman to hear mom-bashing and decide it is easier to not be a part of our community because of it. I would wish that she understood there are groups of people out there, your people, who will love and support and encourage your decisions. They will laugh with you when you say you think you might start locking your kids in their room when they nap. They will be there with you when you can't breastfeed anymore because your body isn't doing what it should. They will go on hikes, or play at parks, or make fun crafts with you and your kids. They will love your kids and you will love theirs. They will always answer your call when you need to bitch. They will have long conversations about having kids, giving birth, the sucky aftermath, alllllllll of it. In detail. Because they are your people. Some of them will have kids of their own so they really get it, others aren't yet parents so they try. But they will be there. And WE should be there. All of us. Because we've been there before. Hiding in the bathroom, crying into a chocolate bar, trying not to breathe because they'll find youuuuu...

It took me a while to write this, over the course of a couple hours. I had to make dinner. Get the baby up, change him, make snacks for both boys, let one of the four dogs living at our house right now [dog sitting happens...], try to diffuse 29 brother fights and try to clean up the same three rooms for the 400th time today. Motherhood is hard, Parenting is hard. It isn't for everyone, but if it is for you let me tell you today:

You're doing a good job.

Your kids love you and appreciate the work you do.

You can get through this.

You are loved.

I support you and your choices.

You can do it.

You will do it.

You are doing it!