oh my.

Long night last night. Baby E refused to sleep unless he was curled up on me. And I couldn't be laying down while this happened, I had to be propped upright, so we didn't really get much sleep. He managed a few half-one hour spurts and luckily went to sleep for a few hours this morning. I blame Josh for napping with him that way yesterday, he's a smart baby and realized that was way more comfortable than his bassinet. But other than that, yesterday was a great day. We got to hangout as a family and nap and snuggle. Overall, a nice day :)


Last night when I was playing bed, I was thinking about this whole journey. It's no surprise that motherhood is something that is..or was..or still is completely foreign to me. I remember when we found out our nugget was on the way, thinking 'who is going to take care of this baby? I can't I'm busy..' I had no clue how to be pregnant, how to nurture myself in order to nurture this little one inside me. I wasn't ready yet. I had watched friends and family complete the journey in what always seemed like an effortless, beautiful manor, I couldn't possibly do that. I didn't even want to have children as far as I was concerned. I was selfish with my time and the time I spent with Josh. I did not want to share him with someone else (I know that sounds pretty bad, but its honest). But then one day, we met our nephew H. I saw Josh holding him with a HUGE smile on his face. The feeling we both got from seeing this little guy and all the happiness he brought his new family, I knew something had changed. As we left after first meeting him, I asked Josh if he wanted to be a dad. Without hesitation he replied "yes, of course". Well..hmmm..ok, why not. We could figure it out, even if I was bad at it, at least our baby would have one parent that was capable. We could give it a shot eventually. And we did, and now he's here. And I realized something REALLY fast: motherhood is foreign to ALL first time mothers. Even those women who were born to be a mother. Its difficult and no one can explain everything to you. No book is available about every little thing he's going to do, or why he's going to cry, or pee on the wall, or fall asleep while we bathe him. He's his own little person and so far we are all he knows, so who can tell me everything about him? No one, unfortunately. No one else has a baby like my baby. We can glean little things from other families, what has worked, what didn't work, why their baby did this or that. But really, we have to figure this out on our own, to figure out what he needs or wants, just like every other set of first time parents who came before us. This IS motherhood, its weird and foreign and hard and I'm not going to be perfect BUT I'm going to be the best mother Baby E has. I know that much. So here goes Little guy, hang on, because we're going big or going home.