Lookin' for a sucker...I'm right here. (photo heavy)

I'll admit it. I am a huge sucker for this little fella, a push-over, I'm in over my head with this little guy. And it's already getting a bit ridiculous, I mean he isn't even three weeks old! Last night was another 'please don't set me down, I need a snuggle' night. And I totally justify it by telling myself I'll just hold him for a few minutes and put him down once he's asleep...well, that pretty much never actually happens. I hold him until he snuggles in and settles down, then I wake up an hour (or some nights, a few hours) later because he needs changed or fed. Eventually he ends up in his bassinet for a couple hours, but the night always starts out with him nuzzled into my chest, as I slowly creep from upright to laying down so that I can sleep too. Oh  man, not going so hot. Before he got here, there was a thousand things I told myself I would/wouldn't do as a parent:

• I wouldn't let him sleep in our bed, in between us, that's our bed and OUR space...Yeah right, you can find him there anytime we nap as a family, or after he wakes up at 6 and gets a snack before laying back down for a snuggle before dad goes to work. 
• I wouldn't get frustrated with breastfeeding and pumping (more on this new adventure below!). OK, so sometimes I can do this. Most of the time though, it is frustrating. Some days it hurts, other days I'm tired, occasionally it's perfect. Pumping is just strange. 
• I wouldn't rely on a pacifier. I figured eventually we would use one. I did not figure we would use one on our third day home. It took him a while to get use to it, and he still spits it out most times, but when he's trying to trick me into picking him up and holding him, when all he wants is a bit of comfort, it's a sanity saver. And if he doesn't take to it, then I know he's hungry. Sometimes though he just wants something to do. 
• I would use cloth diapers! Yay cloth diapers. Which we own none of. It was a great idea in theory, and I'd love it if would could actually swing it, but I don't know if it is for us. Josh had a bad run in with cloth diapering and I feel fine about the disposables for now.
• Speaking of diapers: I would be really good about diapers. I wouldn't get grossed out by poo, I'd make sure to get to him before he went cry crazy, I would be fast and he wouldn't pee on me or his things...I gagged over my first pooey diaper, I am slow when it comes to changing, there is pee on everything near his changer and half the time he's in a full blown meltdown during changing. *He literally lost it as I was typing this and mid-change stuck his socked foot in poop.*
• I would sleep when he slept, take care of myself and remember to take it easy. Nope. I wouldn't. Maybe eventually, but not yet.

The list could go on and on. I had a lot of things I intended on doing, only to realize they weren't for me. I have succeeded in a lot of the important ones though: Baby E entered into the world without any drugs and completely naturally. He wasn't given anything we felt was unnecessary at less that 48 hours old. He  has been breastfed since moments after birth and feeds well! His sleeping is pretty good for a less-than-three-weeks old. Over all, I don't think he's suffered because I've dropped the ball. I think you can have great intentions, not follow through and still have a happy babe.

But on another note, pumping milk is WEIRD. I wont go into a lot of detail because I am blushing as I type this, but SERIOUSLY it's odd. The whole thing makes me feel..well..a bit like an animal. It doesn't help that we call the pump 'the milker'. I feel like the whole thing should take place in a sterile room somewhere, not sitting in the living room trying to figure out what the hell I am supposed to do to make this work. It doesn't feel the same, the whole time I cant stop thinking there isn't enough milk in the bottle and then because I'm frustrated less comes out. Ugh. Ick. I feel like a cow. BUT, he had a bottle feeding today that went great (which means at night I don't have to get up every time he needs fed!!).

Last night he had his first bath. Which he l-o-v-e-d, loved it! He cooed and fell asleep in his little bather. And I'm pretty sure it helped him sleep longer on his first stretch. I am really happy he is showing signs of water love, both Josh and I need to be near water for our happiness. We spend a lot of our time hiking along rivers and at the beach in the summer. I can't wait to watch him discover all the gorgeous lakes and bays around us.

                same hands, 34 years apart