In a constant state of doing, going and caring for others, I think I keep going because I don't want to deal with it. I kept moving forward, navigating this new normal while trying to take care of every person in my life. I can't help it, I love taking care of people. I'm a fixer and a do-er. I wont sit back and watch you suffer, I will try to think of the best and most realistic option for positive outcome, but I won't force it on you. But this year, this year has sucked [save for the birth of Hudson]. There have been so many changes and unresolved issues that I've never fully come to terms with and now, it's boiling over and I'm giving in.
From the news of my parents getting divorced to the now multiple prosthetics Hudson needs, along with physical therapy in home and in office, being the sole care provider for my kids most of the time [josh helps out, I'm not calling him out AT ALL. My kids prefer to whine for mama all day though] staying at home full time and trying to manage a house on one income plus two kids two dogs a cat a [awesome, wonderful] roommate and a constant wave of filth and toys and FRUIT FLIES [what the ehhh] and diapers and 'what's for dinner????'. So, today, I don't know figure it out.
I ache for Hudson to be well. To not hurt or to have to struggle, I wish for him only to be happy [he is] and healthy [which, really he is.] He has such minor issues that I often feel horrible for having a woe is me moment, but however minor his 'special needs', they still are just that: special needs. And while I don't label him as such, he does have needs that are beyond that of a "normal" 7 month old. His prognosis is great because unlike many kids with special needs, Hudson will, in a way, get better. He needs daily physical therapy, he has to wear a molding helmet, he will be in a collar at some point because even with therapy, he still is pulling to the one side. I am constantly monitoring for delays in development and progress in extension and movement. He's not a trustworthy sitter but I don't blame him with a heavy helmet on. He screams through most physical therapy because he just wants to snuggle and that isn't what we are doing. Easton is constantly interrupting therapy. And after finding out [in the Dr's appointment from hell] that he wasn't getting better and that without further help he may end up with facial asymmetry, I was knocked way way wayyyyyyyy down the mountain. I felt like he had come leaps and bounds! His torticollis isn't even noticeable anymore thanks to months of chiropractic work. He can lift and turn his head from side to side, he swivels, he can look up and down and holds his head off his body. During tummy time, he picks his head way up and pushes up. I was so set to be told great work! at his follow up...Only to be knocked down, defeated and treading water...
While I know there are silver linings [he is healthy, he doesn't have any delays, Easton is healthy too. Life isn't that bad, we have an awesome family who are always there for us..etc...] I know other parents deal with much worse and harder diagnosis that require diligence and monitoring hourly, and I know this had been a hiccup in the grand scheme of things. But today, I don't have it in me to do much more than beg for support and an encouraging word. The tears have stopped, at least from the adult around here, and the kids are both not needing my attention right.this.second. I imagine today will go much better than I feel like it is going. And Hudson will get better. I will always be some form of overwhelmed, but I will get better at managing it and taking time away.
But today, I'm taking the day off from optimism and silver linings. I am giving up and giving in. I am curling up on the couch and watching and snuggling, because today, that is all that helps.
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