Oh boys..

Yesterday was a day here. Like a legit, need booze, calling in back up, s.o.s. day.

Hudson is boycotting any amount of sleep that is longer than three consecutive hours. For going on four days now, he wakes every few hours. Sometimes he needs something, other times he would just like to showcase his kicks and giggles.

Not an illusion, he is 4 foot long.

And juuuussstt when i settle in for my long winters nap-bam-it's 7am. Alarms going off for josh, huddys restless (which, btw I just tried to spell wrestless..) and within the next hour Easton's on the prowl. So up and at 'em.

Today was no exception to the rule. Minutes after dragging myself from my snuggly bed, Hudson beckoned to be rescued from his prison. Where he was being held in his least favorite position-on his tummy. Rescued, clean diapered and deposited into his jumparoo. I grabbed some caffeine and surveyed what should get done today: living room, dishes from last night, and mountains of laundry from last night..ok..last week? Also in store, perhaps, should the stars align a shower for the mother of the monsters. But first some caffeine..

But align they did not.

Easton roared from his room a mere seconds later demanding his morning fixins, yogurt or toast and Mickey Mouse clubhouse on the "hi-pad". Not a minute in I heard the iPad hit the floor and the sound from the jumparoo get far more violent than a chunky 5.5 month old can make. Easton was "jus helping Huddy bounce." Because apparently "he wants to do big bounce!"
The iPad was also covered in yogurt..my bad on that one.

After a breakfast-o-champs, we started up laundry. With three large loads that needed washing and a significant amount (say 5-8) loads needing folding I set out for a successful laundry sesh.

Nope.

For every pair of pants folded, a tower of shirts on the floor. My neat pile of socks, unpaired and spread lonely across the bedroom. The newborn-3 month clothes washed and folded and ready to be stored, now ready to be washed again, once I reclaim them all Easton was whipping them at the cat under the bed, we may never see some of those clothes again. Oh and when he wasn't unfolding the folded he was climbing into Hudson's peaceful crib to jump over Hudson. Not my idea obvi.

Oh hey, you know what always calms Craz-E down? A bath, lets do that while defenseless Huddy naps.

Bad idea rookie.

At one point there were three towels in the tub with him. He was "doin launrees" and exclaiming "dis clean" and chucking whatever item was deemed clean out the door sopping wet..

Two hours and 45 gripping conversations about whether or not "dis my tu-tip" or "dis mamas tu-tip?" I shot off a fiery GETHOMEASAP!!! Text and paced the garage for a hot second.

All of that fun, along with the everyday occurrences of dog hitting, aiding Hudson in rolling over, opening and escaping out the back door, coloring on the table and relocating all of his toys from his bedroom to every other room, it was fairly surprising we made it to the witching hour of 5 o'clock, josh is done at 6 and by the time he wraps things up its 630 home by 7 if we are lucky. So if I'm to be trusted with math (I'm not) that's 2 more hours before back up arrives.

No no no, not today.

So I rounded up the troops and prayed wind in our sails and made a sanity saving trip into town to the park. Where the main monster was unleashed upon a people less park and had the swings all to himself. We walked the paved trail and dipped toes and bum into the bay. Then Nammie (grandma) lovingly offered a sleepover complete with movies and popcorn on the TV bed (sleeper sofa). It wasn't Opposite Day, so I didn't say no.

truck lessons

Captian smiles.

So, while I would like a few of those hours back, less gray hairs, and check marks on my to-do list, it really wasn't that bad of a day.


And for good measure:

Today is a good hair day and my nails are painted!

Fun Papa.

Wiped out.

I am drained. Mentally, emotionally and physically. I just keep trying but somedays, I don;t know if I am going to make it.

 Last night it started at 1140ish [Actually, it started on a 9+ mile bike ride earlier that day. I hit my limit and it SUCKED]. Hudson's up and hungry. How?? How is that possible child? You just ate before bed!! ughhh. I ask Josh to make him a bottle. He went right back down.

Then again at 130, back down at 230ish. back up at 4 until 6 when I tried over and over to just get him down. At which point I snapped at my husband, "I've asked for help why aren't you helping!?!?!?" His respose: "I just made him a bottle!"

Um.
No.
Look at the clock, its been 5 hours. I've been up on and off since then...

anyways... Huddy gets really happy the moment he wakes up. He kicks and coos and giggles and talks. And all I want is sleep. It's been 5 months closer to a year since I have slept through the night. I am so tired. and angry. Because when I can't get sleep, I get angry. 

So I yell. At everyone. but mostly my babies. My sweet, sweet babies. Who just want mama & love. And to play trucks and snuggle and be held. But man, I am spent and spread way too thin. I just want a break. I am on call all of the hours for all of the needs! Which is impossible to explain to someone who doesn't see what happens here. Whine-thirty at 9 am, hungry hungry Huddys every 2 hours [you're cute, but this is gettin old Hudson. Youre 5 months now, pull it together!], the NOs!, the hitting, the screaming, the no want you mama, want papa!s.

Those ones sting the most, because I'm the bad guy too often sometimes.

But even today, when I am too tired, and the kids wont nap, there isnt any sunshine and we are stuck inside with no plans in sight- Easton comes over and climbs on my lap and says I love you mama and plants a huge kiss on my cheek. He shares nacho lunches and asks to "watch dis show a-gether?" He kisses his brother and plays quietly with trucks, showing Hudson all the different ones he has. Hudson smiles so big and cuddles in, giggling whenever anyone looks in his direction.

Even today, when I've yelled more than spoke, they still love me and I still love & live for them.

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ASAP?

Ohhhhh I am SO not happy today!

Insurance crap is such BS.!

@###@#@@%$%^$%^$%^$&^%*&%?!??@)(*@&!)(@)@?!

Seriously.

We have been waiting for over two weeks now for Hudson's helmet approval. Then I get a call this morning telling me

1. it was denied.

2.why haven't I gotten his 2nd Xray to help get it approve (UM WHAT?) 

3. I need to go TODAY to get it, ASAP, they are faxing the order to the hospital...Like leave now so it gets processed by the end of the day...ASAP LADY! 

1. I never heard it was denied, that would have been nice to know. Especially since I had spoke to both offices on the phone once a week since then. 2.What 2nd x-ray? I haven't heard anything about this???? 3. Today? Like now. While I have no one to take the cray cray 2 year old??

So I dressed everyone and headed to town. Easton went to Josh's work, thankfully he was able to hang out and wrench bikes with papa for an hour or so. Then Huddy and I went to the hospital.

We got there, checked in and wouldn't you know nothing has been faxed over. WTEFFFF? ASAP RIGHT? So they call and get the order faxed over....Half way through the check in, I realize that this is the wrong order. It's the order from two weeks ago, that we have already had done...

....ughhhhh

So, one call from the registration lady, one call from me, one more call from registration and we FINALLY get it taken care of. Then we waddle to the other side of the hospital for less radiation and wrestle a 20 pound baby with the strength of a grown ass man and click!click!click! done. go home...

Now, I know its not really any ones fault, I'm just whiny and annoyed that I was super slightly inconvenienced. 

Now back to waiting...

chunky munk. 

lately

Surprise, you are skydiving.

twice the handsome

Happiest boy

Unpimressed

Captain Easton

M-22 Rep.

Driveway Fire? Sure it's the 'Loche.

Happy Birthday!

Doodles.

We have been CRAZY busy lately. Katie and dad had their birthday weekend, which included a bbq, fire, and surprise skydiving. Thankfully the heat wave has passed and we haven't had to rush to the beach just for relief. 

and thats it. I don't have any energy left...

Somedays, I just want my life back.

Disclaimer: And that is a totally different thought than I regret having kids. Which I don't. I love my monsters dearly. The drive me insane and are the reason for a patch of gray hair, stretch marks and constant anxiety, but I would not have it any other way. 

I want to not worry constantly, to the point of sickness, about everything. Am I being judged? How will I explain Hudson's medical issues? Am I feeding them the wrong things? Did I feed them? Where is Easton? what did i just step in? Why is this so hard? Am I the only one?????

I want to sleep in later than 4 am and not sleep curled around a Kickasaurus Rex.

I want to not sleep in what I am hoping is vomit (lesser evil). Forget that. If I am going to sleep in vomit, I want it to be my own & I want the cause to  be tequila and poor decisions.

I want to have an entire day, where the word NO, is mentioned sparingly...

And food is just eaten, not argued over.
And i dont have to share if I want all that cookie.
or pizza
or toast...
Or whatever. No sharing.

I want a blog post to not take 4 hours to write.

I want to go out, eat dinner when it is warm, spend an entire day with just my husband.

But just for a day, because anything longer and I would miss my fools.

Buggie.

What's in a diagnosis? Fear and anxiety? Hope? Guilt? Time and effort?

All of that and more.

At Hudson's two month appointment he showed signs of torticollis, a condition that causes the muscles in the neck to pull to one side often causing stiff or tight muscles to develop. We were told to work with him, turning his head to the left and giving him lots of tummy time. We worked with him for the next couple months and had him reevaluated at his four month appointment. At his follow up, his torticollis wasn't any better and had now effected the shape of his head. Because his skull sutures are getting close to fusing we were sent to a neuromuscular rehabilitation specialist, who we saw today.

 


There was good news and then there was..news. Not bad per se, but not what we had hoped for.

The good news is that developmentally he is where he should be and he has no delays or serious issues.

The other news is that we will be embarking on a path full of physical therapy and a molding helmet, at the least. Hopefully we caught this all in time and that a few months in a helmet will correct all his issues and he won't need invasive and serious surgery. The combination of the helmet and physical therapy should correct the pulling of his neck which is mis-shaping his head (it's all cyclical).

It's not the worst prognosis, by far. It could have been a lot worse, but being his mama, the last thing i want to do is see him suffer or need and not be able to help. The amount of guilt I feel is ridiculous (I know) but I can't help but feel like maybe I could have done something to change this. Something to help him. I just keep looking at his sweet smile and wishing I had followed my gut and caught it a month ago.

I know that there are a lot worse things for your child to deal with and that there are parents out there who would love that it was just a tight neck and lumpy head. But my baby, my sweetest, giggle filled, squishy baby is hurting and I am can't do, yet. I know he will be fine and this will be a blip in his great life. I know we are blessed to have not only 2 children but the ability to care for them and correct this problem.

So that is where I will focus, on healing and moving forward. Each day that he turns his head further, we will clap and cheer. We will decorate his helmet and call it his crown. He will be better and we will see him through this with loads of love!

ps. Hudson 4 month appointment was less than 2 weeks ago, and since that time he has grown a half inch and gained a pound. Scale discrepancy, probably, but he also eats all theeee tiimmmee. :)

sway

Sometimes we drift
far away from out long sought shore,
battered by the waves,
pruned in doubt.

we reach for something,
unsure of which way is up,
is that sky or sea.

is that sky or sea??