Easy peasy.

Things I said today:

-where are your underwear?

-don't eat that off the ground

-I don't care if the squirrel ate it his immune system is different

-the immune system helps the body stay healthy and strong 

-what's what? Oh that, probably poop from earlier

-josh, seriously. Just come home. I'm waving a white flag over here and covered in snot and poop and life can't even right now.

It's been a day (/week/month/neverendingcycle). There is loads on loads on loads of laundry. There are dishes from 2, maybe 3, days ago still in the sink. The house is covered in a layer of dog hair because shedding. And it's been too rainy or not muddy out to take the boys into our mud pit of a back yard. Couple all that with a nagging cough (me), a fussy teether (Hudson) and the general zest for life/sunshine rainbows resident threenager (Easton) and we are giving up today. 

My white flag is a diaper wipe. And it was probably used prior to me waving it. 

There will never be a solid answer of what's easier working or staying at home with kids. It doesn't matter what camp you are in, it doesn't matter what you are currently doing the grass will always be greener and easier on the other side. 

When I worked I felt overwhelmed and guilty all the time. I was paying someone else to raise our kid. I was missing all of the things I should be there for. I had to be up and ready to function at 6 every morning to get all of out the door on time to get to work by 9. And then I had to crawl through a day like I hadn't been up 8 times to nurse/soothe/retuck in/whateversneeded the night before. I managed through Easton's first year because my sister nannied for us. It was so much easier to know he was with someone who loved him as much as we did. Then she needed to find a real job, so we found a daycare and every morning I felt like I was going to puke. Every day drug on, every drop off included tears, every time I thought about him being there my heart hurt. Our provider was nice and came with lovely recommendations, but it just never felt right. When we got pregnant a second time, we figured we'd just add the new baby to daycare and continue on because the thought of staying home terrified me. 

And then baby came, and we tried it out, and I quit my job. 

There was no better solution. We didn't have a grandparent around who could watch the kids 5 days a week. We had daycare and it wasn't working. The thought of leaving my tiny precious baby with someone who couldn't hold him ALL day broke my heart. Because in my mind the thing that mattered most was that he was held, all day, while there. I thought about how often Easton was sick from the other kids. How they were all much older, how would he be able to handle that!? How would I!??

I couldn't. So I left a job I loved, I became a stay at home mom with two under two. I made lunch after lunch after lunch. I kissed booboos and wipes butts. I was up all night with one only to have to get out of bed at 7 with the other. I get no breaks from them or their needs. They are constantly searching for me, seeking out a snack or a pencil or a game or a toy stuck deep under the couch-even when their father is home, it's always mom first. They scream and fight. They bite each other and throw food on the floor. They don't always share and they skip naps. There are days when I don't sit down once in the 8-10 hours I'm home alone with them. I haven't gotten to the dishes today and it's after 3. I won't get to those 4 loads of laundry until tomorrow night. I need to vacuum for the 3rd time today because snacks and dog hair. I have anxiety over the pile of crap on our kitchen table. I don't know where I put the wipes and that's our last bit of them. I need a shower and a vodka. The baby doesn't feel good and neither do I, but I can't call in. And guess what, I spend most of my days feeling overwhelmed and guilty. 

It just sucks some days. It sucks most days.

 But it's not their fault, they don't know why I'm stressed or that the sound they make during whine for no reason hour is my own personal idea of H-E-DoubleHockeySticks. They don't know that I'm still stewing over something josh and I argued about. They don't know that I want to save more money but when I have wasted $30 in food trying to find something they will eat for lunch consistently that's not happening. They don't know why I snap left and right for them machine gun asking for things. 

But I do. I know that I am tired and sick and cranky. I know that kids are learning and watching and sponging, so I know when Easton sternly yells I need a two minute quiet time! that he learned that from one place and one place only. They have bad days, but they are few. Whereas I have bad days and they are every other day some weeks. 

The nice things about having a job was being out of the house, adult convo, making monies to help house, it was nice that even after the longest hardest day at work I closed that door behind me and went home. And was happy and the stress rarely followed me home. I had a great job with great people that was really fulfilling, so it was easy to get up and go there everyday. But I missed out on a lot. I didn't see Easton learn to walk or blow kisses for the first time. I didn't see him crawl first. I missed his first summer spent at the park and digging around outside. I missed the things that mattered but I did what I could with what I had. 

It was hard to decide to stay home. Financially it's a struggle, but we get by. Our kids have what they need AND what they want, we get a date night now and then and HOPEFULLY ALL THINGS CROSSED maybe a vacation getaway next year. We make it work. there have been fights and tears and wishing I could go back. I've had my days where I fully regret it. There are times when I just want to provide more. But I know here is where I belong. My kids thrive with a parent home. They always seek me out because I am the doer, the maker, the fixer, the mom. They need so much from me because I have proven that I will provide it. I never get a break and I don't say that frivolously-I live it. They need from me 24/7/365 and then some. But they need because I will. They thrive because I will. They are happy because I will, I can and I do. By every ounce that is in me, I do for my child. 

While there are a million other things I could think of, that I wish I could do in a day, the fact that I fill up my morning with dance party breakfasts and castle building and walks and adventures with two little boys is all the reason I need for making the choice we did for me to stay home (worlds longest sentence). I miss working and have been lucky enough to fill in and take side jobs and still enjoy the grind. But these boys. Well, they provide so much more than work ever could for me: their laughter, their tears, their every moment with me pays my soul, something my wallet never did. 

7 quick takes/five for friday

Linking up over hurrrr and huurrr. I can do that right...I hope..uh oh rule breaker over here...

[ONE] These cookies! Holy cookie of deliciousness. They.Are.Good! I was a a littttttleee apprehensive because they are also too easy, but they turned out so good I had to take them to Josh's work, because devouring. 

[TWO] Sunshine & outside. Two things that were not happening last week, that WILL be happening this week. Hopefully so much sunshine that our easter egg hunt will actually happen outside!

[THREE] I am super happy about above because see below. Below has been happening fartoomuch.

[FOUR] I wish I could share a picture about my sisters bridal shower, but it is a surprise for her [not when but all other deers]. I love planning parties and organizing, so while stressful it is also super fun. PLUS I have a pretty awesome group of gals working with me. It really is a bridal party dream team.

This is for her shower, she will see it before then, the junk is not for her shower it is just for life.

[FIVE] I still really love to cook. I remember BCL (before cooking Lily) would hear people say that and scoff at it. Because no one could love cooking. But now I love chopping and dicing and sautéing and browning...But mostly I love feeding people. Only I have few people to feed, so I need to work on finding more mouths.

[SIX] My sister got a new dog. And he is handsome. And wonderful. 

[SEVEN] Josh was given a chance to travel to California to take a training seminar at one of the componenet companies his shop sells. He was one of only two people from the state of Michigan to be invited. He was gone for four days, got to enjoy 60 degree weather while it snowed here, ate delicious food, and sat thru some techy training sessions that he loved. I am really proud of him for being invited to attend and that he received his certification. But I was more proud and happy that he returned, four days is a loooooonnnggg time in mama-only-in-charge time.

Our wedding song

I wish we had some great story about our wedding song

Music was a HUGE deal to me at our wedding, from the seating music to walking down the aisle to this song, so I expected to have a stellar first dance song. 

Only we couldn't agree on any thing. He is classic to my hipster, he is traditional to my never heard before choices. It was hard.

Our first dance on the patio at The Homestead

Finally one day I heard it. & with great luck he agreed. 

Know troubles they may come and go, 

But good times they're the gold.

So if the road gets rocky girl,

Just steady as we go.

Steady as We Go by Dave Matthews Band

The things you think..

The last three years have taught me a lot about what I thought I knew. I had certain ideas going into parenthood that I just knew would work out perfectly for us and our baby/babies. Oh of course it would be hard, I knew that. But it can't be that hard if I just stuck to my guns. I just knew it would work.

And then the baby came.

First, this one. 4.5 hours of pushing just to get him here, only for him to push me every day.

And out the window went those ideas. 

Never sleeping in our bed! HAHAHAHA, that is were you spent your first night on the outside. Nestled in my arms refusing to be anywhere else, not that I fought it. You would stay in our bed until you were nearly a year and a half old when you decided you did not sleep that well with us. 

Exclusively breastfeeding only! Wellllll, not so much. We tried. We gave it hell. We pumped, we fed on both sides, we consulted anddddd we supplemented. It just didn't work for us, no matter how hard we tried and how much we wanted. It just didn't work. 

Baby sign language! No Screen time! Stimulating environments! Organic, homemade baby food! Natural toys that only encourage creativity....! Sure a lot of this happened, but eventually it just didn't. 

But we made it. And Easton is a great kid. He is incredibly creative, has a great immune system, super active and well spoken. He made it... whew!

And then baby numero dos was on it's way. And back came the ideas. Lots of I will do better this time. I can do it! It will be WAY easier! 

And then the baby came.

Second. Fast and furious he came into the world, a gentle baby who found his voice and hasn't stopped using it.

Annnnnnddd, this baby was different. WAY different from his brother. Insatiable appetite, mama attached, sweet baby boy Hudson. He loved eating and being held, but wouldn't co-sleep. He fed every 2-3 hours for almost an hour each time, I couldn't keep up! He slept well and was always happy being held, snuggled, talked to. He was quiet and easy! He spit up more than Easton, but he was so easy compared to our little colicky needy first born. Around came round 2 of ideas.

He loved baby wearing, but much preferred baby holding. And just mama holding. He made it to 8 months breast fed, doesn't know a lick of sign language [not for not trying], He eats every thing but fruit, and he loves him some TV time. He learned to yell and n.e.v.e.r.stopped. 

But, we made it. And Hudson is a great kid. He is funny, always smiling and laughing. Loves running and playing with his brother. He is smart and silly. He made it.

There were so many things I wasn't going to do when I had kids, that I was so sure of when there were no kids. I wouldn't yell, I would teach them Spanish from day one, we would learn every day. I knew for sure things would go just as i planned. They wouldn't have any impact on our marriage and josh and I wouldn't have to work on us because of them. They would be perfectly behaved and always have manners, they would never hit or bite or scream. And neither would I, no yelling, time ins, and good kids.

And then they got here and got away with everything. They scream and bite and get time outs and toys taken away. They eat nugget shaped chicken, Easton has had sips of soda [Spicy! as he says & he much prefers water], there are days when they watch more than 20 minutes of tv. There are whole days where we don't go outside, or pick up toys, or eat veggies! Our marriage definitely suffered during those first years and we had to relearn how to be husband&wife as well as mom&dad! But we are making it. They are happy and healthy. They are smart and kind. They have manners and are well behaved. 

They are good kids.

And that was the hardest to learn. That even when my boys misbehave and act out, they are still good kids. Even when I am embarrassed and sure people are certain I should have NEVER had kids because look at them! They are still good kids. They have so much love to give and are loved by so many. They are special kids and I am lucky they are mine. 

Kids change things. They make life harder. They interrupt your perfect plans and disrupt your day. They create every feeling possible from anger to unconditional love. They come between marriages. They demand you are always mom or dad when you'd just like to be Lily or Josh's Wife sometimes. They make the simplest things complicated {can we eat here? Will they like anything on the menu? Can we just get them a huge order of fries?}. They change YOU. Completely. 

The person I was three years ago is not who I am today. I was selfish, needy, and self centered. I wasn't a great wife, sister or daughter. I thought only about what benefitted me. My concerns rarely reached beyond making me happy.

 Three years ago, I didn't understand parents. I certainly didn't get mine. Our relationships have been every where on the spectrum and I am/we are finally in a place where I get them. Even with a not typical childhood [is anything typical though, ours wasn't that out there but it still is different from some], I know now that they did all things out of love. They did all things for us. They did all things in our best interest. And while three years ago I couldn't get it; I most certainly do. Three years ago I could'nt say Thank you Mom & Dad, for always trying even when you had no clue what you were doing. For loving us when you didn't like us, for not giving up even when it seemed like you did. Thank you for loving us, you weren't as bad of parents as we told you you were. You taught us much and we are better people for all we have all been through. Love you!

Three years ago I didn't know what tired was, what sacrifice was, what earth shattering, car lifting, heart breaking, smile giving, kiss loving LOVE was. I didn't know what I was capable of. What I could be put through. What I could give in to. What I could give. I have learned that my true path begins with giving and loving and caring for my family. I relish the moments living in the magic they see in the world. I love my house being filled with the people I love, eating the food I've made, laughing with those that I love; it fills my heart and my world. I love this life I have because of them. 

They have changed me.

Knowing is half the battle.

Today. Whoa. Let me tell you about today, this week. [this post was started Saturday, but the attitudes have continued so far]

Was it horrible?
Was it awful?
Was it the worst ever?

No.

Did the kids cry and scream nonstop?
Did they get into things they shouldn't have?
Fight most of the day?
Refuse naps?
Spill waters?
Just be overall boogers? 
Tap into their inner vikings and wage war on their mamas psyche? 
Yes. Yes, YES.

Josh has been out of town for work since Sunday and I have thankfully had the haven of spending some time at my sister & brother-in-laws house to break up the day, But the usually fun times had there haven't happened thanks to the cranky monster children I've been toting along [worlds.longest.run.on...] Both the boys realized it was just me and proceeded to unleash some real amazing behavior, including biting, fighting, screaming, whining all day and general loveliness... We've been on walks and drives, built forts and bubble baths; all ending in tears from most parties. Couple all this with the fact that our basement keeps getting water in it and it smells so musty, plus my overall yuck mood lately and it has sucked..

BUT, It really hasn't been the worst ever, but sometimes certain things make it seem like that. Those certain things called feelings... Just when I start to think I'm falling back into a rhythm, something always happens to make me feel insignificant, or insecure or..another in-prefixed feeling word.

And I never see it coming. I will be trucking along doing my mom-wife thing and then BAM! I start getting really, really down. I feel like I'm sinking and like everyone around me just stops and watches it happen. Even though that isn't how it happens, no one else sees what's going on. Nothing changes outwardly [that I know of] I just feel down. Like I am doing everything wrong.

There are always a handful of breakdowns, a bucket of tears and a laundry list of complaints hurled at Josh via iComplain texts and verbal attacks once he hits our subdivision.

I end up spending two weeks wallowing and general boo-hooing. Feeling miserable about not being a better mom/wife/friend/sister, but still trying to do everything that I need to get done. I get mopey and cranky. I parent horribly and I wife even worse. My sleep schedule gets thrown off and junk food becomes my BFF and gettin some exersize/walking/moves, well just forget it. Which only makes it worse. These last few days have been incredibly trying, my body and mind ache. I'm quicker to give up and give in. I quit fighting it and just sink. 

Usually, I recognize most of what is happening to me about a week in to my reign as Queen Negative Nancy. Josh and I argue more about nothing [seriously the worlds most trivial things: why don't you pull the car into the garage right?!?! You fold towels wrong!!], I yell more at the kids, I mope and lack at housework [which only gives me WORSE anxiety]. I turn inward and self pick. It's hard to see the forrest for the trees in these moments. And even though I know that it's happening, it doesn't make it any easier to figure out how to pull out of the funk. I see the things happening, the pieces falling into place, yet still remain down here. 

It isn't always like this. There are far more times that life is great. We love, we laugh, we play, we enjoy. The boys wont always fight and will play nicely, quiet in their room playing pirates. Josh and I wont argue and will go back to loving each others quirks and celebrating our differences. Our basement wont always be wet and soon snow will disappear and grass will grow, sun will shine and we will run through the woods laughing. I know there will be days that are better, days without tears, days that end with a smile and a "we're so lucky" before bed. I know the boys aren't suffering and they don't hate me. I know Josh isn't always mad at me when he gets home. I know these are small drops in the bucket, that it isn't always easy and we will get through all of it. I know this is my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.