We now have 2 boys, Easton our 2 year old and Hudson who is 1 month! How that happened..well. yeah.
Anyways, I am going to maybe give this another shot. That way, instead of bombarding Josh and my family, I can bombard my blog with random thoughts and complaints. And try to keep my crazy facebook postings to a minimum.
I have spent the last month with a baby attached to me and a two year old wallowing in misery at my feet. At first things were going really great, he wasn't that interested in the baby, but excited to tell people about his little brother. But then, the more mommy was feeding Hudson, the more upset Easton was. It took about three weeks to figure it out, but I think we are turning a corner.
Postpartum has come in waves, some days I feel great. Some days, I feel way the eff away from great. I knew it would be hard, I never questioned that. I never knew I would feel like it was this hard. I was instantly overwhelmed. I was terrified. I felt sick.
I felt stupid.
I couldn't remember what to do with a newborn. I wanted to see my big boy, my two year old, my little man who made my sun shine. And then I felt horribly guilty, because now i had two, and that wasn't fair. What would I do with this second child, this little boy I couldn't remember how to take care of. But! That all changed. I saw josh hold Hudson, snuggle him. I kissed his little head, he smelled new, he was a new chance. To do all those things we didn't do "right" with Easton. He was ours and I loved him more than anything, the same way I love Josh and Easton. But different at the same time.
Luckily, I have had more up days than down.
More days where I've been happy with my/our choice to have another child.
More days where I've realized I love both children differently, but the same.
More days where I just watch.
More days where I am happy.
We are happy.
