I have a lot of things I wish I could change but one of the things I wish most to change takes so much effort, time, and commitment to fix. So I don't always do it right, and I don't always recognize when I do need to change it and I forget how much it takes until I'm fully engulfed. I spend a lot of time allowing myself to get sucked down deep into a blah cycle of self loathing, frustration and sadness aka the ol' depression. It is something that is always with me, but there are times when it claws away at my being; reducing me to a shell of the person I ACTUALLY am.
There was a time, many years ago, when I was much more void of emotion and feeling. I always felt they were signs of weakness, admitting struggle just showed that you can't handle life. I spent many, many years bottled up and terrified that I was the weakest, most unstable person in there world because hey, look at EVERYONE ELSE, they can get out of bed without a panic attack. They drive to work without puking from fear. They can talk to people and not burst into tears because everyone obvi hates you and doesn't want to hear what you say. Let's just say it was a fun lifestyle. Loads.
I hid a lot of who I was then. Choosing to keep people at arms length and share only the tiniest glimpses into my life than let people in. My walls had been built, the foundation poured and cemented by years of self doubt and instability. There was no getting through them. When I think back to the people I knew then, even the guy I dated seriously at the time, I feel absolutely awful. No wonder things seemed so toxic, I was a ball of anger and frustration waiting for someone to light the fuse so I could go off! And boy did it get lit. Anger was the only emotion I had time for. I was angry at everyone. Angry at my friends, angry at my boyfriend, angry at my parents, my sister, the sun, the clouds, that guy on the bench over there... Or so I thought. I was angry. But I was also sad. And lonely. And afraid. There were layers to the anger I never once looked at in all those years. & now I look back and greatly regret it. Things could have been different and I wouldn't have lost those years with the people I love and care about because I was so bitter and angry.
Eventually something changed. I met a really great person who ask what was actually SO bad in my life? Not the trivial shit either. Like actually bad-was I dying? Was I homeless? Did I go without food for days? Was I in constant fear of being raped? Beaten? Murdered? Would someone be able to do those things to me because as a woman, I drove a car? Or had a job? Or went to school? She encouraged me to look outside myself, beyond the anger and bitterness. They ask what really was the problem here, in my little insignificant life, full of privilege and hope-what really was the issue?
Me.
That's what it was. And not in the regular self loathing way either. More so in the I've gotten to the bottom of the barrel and there's a mirror and ohhhh crapppp. I held on to things that need not be held on to. I refused to forgive issues passed that needed forgiveness. I would not let people in because they will just leave or hurt me anyways, so why bother!? I was angry at myself for never being true to who I was this whole time. Underneath the anger and the stoicness, was hurt and fear and pain, bottles up from years of allowing others to dictate my happiness for me.
In time, I learned people could not talk to me certain ways. I learned to stand up for myself and what I believe in. I learned people value your input, even in the times it differs from theirs, as long as it's true to you. I learned to embrace my quirks and use them to my advantage. I learned who I was and that being an ENFP, sanguine-choleric, words of affermation person, that there are not just weaknesses, there are also strengths to my personality. I figured them out and ran with it. I learned friendships are much stronger when they are two-way streets. That people value advice from someone who listens first and wholeheartedly. I learned it's ok for people to see you vulnerable, it strengthens your bond and your ability to trust them. The person I have become is a much truer version of the person I have always been-a slightly overly emotional wreck who cares very, very deeply about the people I meet.
I still have my moments when I shut down and don't want to care (usually after mistrust). It is hard to remain positive when it hits the fan. But for the most part I have tried to remain true to the person I have grown in to. yes I cry more because I care more, I will always drop anything for the people in my life and do what I can to help them, I trust more and have greater friendships for that. I try to be an open book when appropriate, sharing stories and thoughts that may help people but also for the sake of sharing in others lives. I listen contently and have empathy. But mostly every day I try.
Things gradually shift from the dark days to the light, when I remember to be thankful & happy with what I have, who I am, where I can go. And I realize in these days of lightening, that I am again excited for life. I am enthralled by my children, I look forward to my husband coming home-if for nothing more than to stare at his handsome face. I give more of myself to the people I love on these day and want nothing in return, but for them to know I love them. I try extra hard when I feel light coming through, because I am excited again for this life.
I have learned that this depression does not define me, neither does my anxiety or OCD. It exists and I live with it. But it will not be my outline. It will not be what I am known for or what people notice first. I make a conscious effort each day to pull myself from it's grips. I know it is hard to do and that each if us down in these trenches have to navigate them our own ways. I feel for you in your struggles, I hope for you to find your safe place that will bring you out of dark days. For me I remind myself. I remember that I have food to eat, clean water, house to live in and am safe. That I am free to do as I please. That I have opportunity and knowledge. That my kids are cared for. That my husband is cared for. That we have what we have and that's what we need. That life is good and better than we think, even at the lowest of my lows-life is good.
